Cattle Prod

So, I've decided to add something else to my plate. Or not. I've recently joined Weight Watcher's Online. I have often been curious about WW because they have always advertised that they were about lifestyle change, not dieting. Well, recently I've decided I can get behind something like that. What prompted the change? A wonderful plethora of things including ailments of the aching joints, lacking energy, and a conversation with hubby.

A couple of weeks ago, I was telling hubby about the change in my body since grad school. When I was accepted into grad school (Fall 2006) I weighed 105 and fluctuated up to 110 pounds. I worked out everyday and had a very strict diet including a daily intake of 8 oz. of whey protein (a required taste) amongst many fruits and vegetables. My current weight? A whopping 167 pounds. That's right. It's all there. I'm not so much ashamed by this increase in weight as I am astonished; however, I have to say that saying those numbers out loud to hubby was like a cattle prod. I knew I had to do something drastic.

Weight Watcher's Online has been great. Granted, I've only been using it for 3 days. They say that I won't actually see a difference for three weeks. I can wait. This isn't about dropping a few pounds for summer; this is about changing the way I depend on food. Yes, I depend on it. Food is my friend. Food is always there. Food can always be gotten. The more sugar and chocolate, the closer the friend. I've realized that my recent change is not just an "avoid the food in front of you" battle. This struggle is so mental and emotional.

When I'm leaving campus and walking down the hill to my car at the Walton lot, I often think of the dessert I may have later tonight. Do I want to pick something up? Maybe I should treat myself to a visit to Rick's Bakery. Perhaps I should see the sale items at Walmart's bakery. That's good right? They're on sale. Maybe I should pick up some chips and dip? Maybe I should have an all out gorge fest! Yeah, and I'll watch some crappy horror movies from the 80's...and it all follows me downhill...

I have had to "re-program" myself. I have had to say, "Self?" "Self, look. It's not okay to fantasize about food. It's just not. So stop it." I really have to force my mind elsewhere. Up until now, I have never been able to admit how much I depend on food. I knew once I admitted it, I'd have to confront it.

So, here I am. Confronting it. All 167 pounds of me. Here I am. Reaching towards a goal weight of 125-130. Reaching towards a life where food is not my God. Prayers are welcome.